*GET TO KNOW ME!* weigh in!
Jan 13, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZmdXxXRh_Y

oh I guess I need to insert where I did
my way in auntie Flo has made her
appearance and has made me very like ill
week almost an ER trip yeah so kinda
taking a couple days off of logging
vlogging because I really haven't done
anything
doctor's orders are you sit down with
your legs up and so that is what I've
been doing um with a little bit of here
and there's of needing to run in couple
things but for the most part I really
have tried to stay as low-key as
possible so that is why I was like you
know what I think it would be a great
time to do a video that has been
requested of me well hi like requested
of me to do a get to know me video so I
thought well this is like the best time
to do that because well what is a better
time if I am like down and not being
able to do much I might as well do
something
so tonight that is what I'm going to be
doing is talking about me and
introducing myself a little bit for all
the new subscribers that I've just
joined maybe some of them don't know the
complete backstory of my life and so
without getting into too much detail
because I think that would take way too
long for a video just give a little bit
of my highlights and then there's more
detailed videos of my past like down
farther that I can try and link into my
to this video so you guys can kind of
catch up with what I'm filling you in
with today so I'll do my very best to do
all of that but first and foremost the
most important thing that we have to
talk about is my way in because
Saturdays are my way
I have done Williams for the last five
and a half months every Saturday without
one missing Saturday um this week I was
really really really afraid to get on
the scale I really was I thought to
myself for sure I have gained a lot of
weight I feel it in my face my body just
feeling that for not being able to
really get up and move much because of
happening to be down plus being on my
cycle I just I just assumed that for all
of that it was all my odds against me
and I really was just like I don't even
want to get on this scale Holly I don't
want to get on this gown he's like Amy
the skill doesn't define who you are the
number does not make you who you are
he's like the skill is just letting us
know kind of where you're at you know
are you you know holding on to water you
know what's going on with your body
that's the only reason we're doing away
in don't use the numbers as a
measurement I was like yeah you're right
you know and I guess I'm just as human
as everybody else and I fall into that
you know the the scale number means what
I am the skill number tells me if I
failed this week or if I didn't try hard
enough and and sometimes that's not even
true sometimes people can try so hard
and like stick to plan and it be
absolutely where they didn't lose
anything at all or sometimes they can
even gain and so you know putting that
as a big marker on the ability of what
you've done for that week I think is
really important to remember that even
when you step on the scale don't allow
the scale to be what defines your
progress it's just a number to let you
know kind of where you're at in your
body but not where you're at in your
journey and where you're at in the
process
so it was a great reminder and I was
really happy that he brought that up to
me because I was really really really
just hesitant because this week has been
a really rough week I have struggled a
little bit more with um
snacky and I've just been more snacky
and I don't understand I don't know if
it's because of my heavy cycle that's
made me want to snack so much but I have
just been snacking and it's it's not
like snacking on chocolate or anything
like that it's just I got this constant
hunger feeling and I don't know how to
kick it and I don't know I don't know
why this week has just been more of a
tough week for me in the eating
Department you know of course I didn't
like do any eating out or anything like
that like I don't fall into my
temptations um I mean of course you know
every type of fast food sounded amazing
this week but I didn't go and do it I
just had to continue to tell myself Amy
were in a process here we're in a
journey you can do this you know but
there were times where I just wanted to
munch and so I you know there are things
that I got that were healthy like I but
I've been snacking on the skinny pop
popcorn the individual bags because I
know those are 100 calories so I'm I
would rather eat that then go and you
know get something else that I just
clearly color accounts on and then these
are another things that I've been eating
a lot of well not excuse me let me
rephrase that it's not even eating a lot
of but I have add a few up and they're
just peanut butter they're nutter puffs
pop chips puffed snack with real peanut
butter and it really is real peanut
butter for 27 pieces it's 130 calories
and and I will count out 27 pieces when
I'm in a little baggie and I will eat
those um they're okay they're not my
favorite because I they kind of have
like a I don't know kind of like a much
smelt taste to it but you know sometimes
it will kill that peanut buttery
wanting that yeah so there's been a few
things that I have throughs chosen to
snack on but for the most part I keep
trying to remind myself that this snack
beans got to slow down just a little bit
from if I'm wanting to snack go and
drink some water go eat some ice go do
something different but you know if it's
just wanting to keep my mouth going you
know there's there's other options out
there I do not have to go into those
snacking the snacking um like right now
I'm just sitting here drinking ice water
it's what he's good um anyways on to my
video oh I guess I need to insert where
I did my way in hello pretty
[Music]
as you guys can see I did not lose
anything this week at least I didn't go
up like seriously you guys that was such
a relief to see that it said that
because I was thinking oh my god I've
I've went up so at least I didn't go up
I just stayed the same
but this week is gonna be a kick-butt
week we are going to do some major
exercising like this whole trend of
what's going on here should be coming to
an end so I should be able to get back
up and start doing my exercising and so
yeah I'm gonna be doing it because I
kind of have to I don't have a choice
I've got a goal that I'm trying to be
and it's got to happen so anyways on to
the next Department of information um so
like I was saying earlier I have been
requested the video of telling about
myself reintroducing myself so that's
what I'm going to kind of do um and I'll
just kind of start from my childhood and
kind of just come up to where I am today
so but briefs because otherwise we'd be
here all night
um I was born August 26 1981
so yeah I'll be 38 this year don't
remind me anyways um we lived in
Portland Oregon
well actually we lived in Sandy I was
born in Portland Oregon I have always
lived in Oregon besides two years out of
my life I lived in California and that
was when my father committed suicide
when I was eight months old and my
mother had like a mental breakdown and
she flew me and my brother out to
California to stay with my aunt and
uncle until I'm a little after I was too
and then they requested to actually
adopt us and my mom was like nope you're
not gonna adopt my kids so she had us
flown back to orchid and I lived with
her with my brother for
up until I was seven during that time I
was sexually assaulted multiple times I
stepped on multiple needles due to my
mom having an addiction issue most days
me and my brother had to take care of
ourselves because she would either be
out running the streets or sleeping for
days on end many days we would go
without food because again there was
just the food went to my mom's Addiction
so there would be many days that we
would have to like flip couches and
stuff me and my brother at very young
ages and get quarters to go up to the
local gas station and go get a frozen
burrito and sometimes that's all we
would get for the whole day like that's
just what we'd get so that went on until
I was seven and then I ended up
confiding in a family member and telling
her what was going on and that I didn't
want to go back with mommy because they
didn't want to get hurt by those men
again and I didn't want to get stuck
with needles anymore and so my family
called a big man meeting together and
decided that it was best that we did not
go back to my mother and so they got the
state involved so then me and my brother
became the ward of the state and then
from there we were passed from family to
family to family
every Christmas Eve and I kind of
touched base on this throughout the
holiday season of why I was going
through so much during December is
because I have grown to absolutely hate
Christmas and when I say that I sound so
harsh
and a lot of people like oh my gosh like
how could you hate Christmas Christmas
is such a good holiday and it's about
family and but the way that I
experienced Christmas was every
Christmas Eve me and my brother were
told to pack our bags we were moving to
another family
so for 11 years total we moved every
single year on Christmas Eve we were
moved they felt it was the right time to
do it didn't during that time because
that's when holidays you know break
for school so wasn't like gonna abrupt
us from that but it kind of always did
because you think about it every year we
were being picked up and pulled in the
middle of our school year to a new
school new friends new teacher new
curriculum new everything and so it was
very very hard for me and being able to
keep up with schooling and and friends
and learning how to have you know
friendships and things like that because
it was just it was never installed in me
because I was always ripped so I learned
at a very young age to never get pretty
close and personal with anybody because
I always learned that just as I would
get close to somebody I would be ripped
away or they would be ripped away so in
return I just kept everybody at a very
far arm's reach and never let anybody
close to me because it hurt and I was
afraid and so from the age of seven
until I was I'm trying to think here's
well until I was 14 well yeah it wasn't
11 years I'm sorry I think I said 11
years it was 11 times total that I was
moved but it was every Christmas Eve
that we were moved from each of our
families houses and by the time I got to
14 I was finally placed in another
family's home that I stayed in for the
remaining amount of time that I was in
care and then I lived with that family
member passed the time of my 18 year
birthday until I was 23 because I was
kind of I I guess I was afraid to step
out into adulthood because I really
wasn't taught the living lifestyle like
I wasn't taught how to survive outside
of being taken care of if that makes
sense
during the time
I was in foster care throughout past
with family I endured more sexual abuse
I also had endured physical abuse by one
of my aunts
and I was beat pretty bad quite often I
was starved for punishment multiple
times from that same aunt so physical
abuse and sexual abuse was a very hard I
was done to me multiple times so I was a
walking abuse child for many years of my
life and nobody ever got help for me I
carried that abuse and trauma throughout
my entire life on my own I didn't talk
to anybody about it
people knew that things happen but
nobody wanted to get help for me and so
that got me into adulthood where I came
to a point that I couldn't trust anybody
I couldn't trust anybody because I was I
knew that I was going to get hurt so
that took me away from a lot of
relationships and a lot of chances that
I could have you know been in a you know
a physical relationship with somebody
because of being fearful of being hurt
thank God I didn't because I found my
man but you know it just took a long
time for me to get over and I still
hadn't gotten over everything that
happened to me but then I found my
amazing husband and we got married and
we went through some fertility issues in
order to be able to have the two
beautiful babies that we have today plus
I adopted a little boy a few years prior
to that and that was because I was told
I would never have babies and I wanted
to be a mom and I shared that video a
little bit kind of when we were talking
about you know OB Sanford in and being
pregnant in that I also shared the clip
about wanting to be a mom and desiring
that and that's where I came with why I
adopted my little boy and because I
believe that that was going to be my
only child that I was ever gonna be able
to have and then after going through
some fertility things I ended up being
able to have two beautiful babies but I
wasn't being able to be the mom that I
wanted to be I was so afraid that I
would be the the mother that I had and
be the foster mom of the moms that I had
that I really didn't know how to get on
a level with my children and truly allow
myself to love them and I know that
sounds so strange like you carry these
kids for nine months how how could you
not love them well I loved them but I
was afraid to get close to them
because of fear that I might lose them
or I might be mean to them or I could be
a mom just as bad as my mom you know
there was so many fears that crawled up
on me that after I had my little boy I
immediately got pregnant with my
daughter within a few short weeks and I
didn't deal with my son's birth and
having him because I immediately got
pregnant again so once I had my daughter
it just is like all of my past flooded
into me too to where I just was so
overwhelmed that I ended up with
postpartum depression just a lot of just
mental and physical things were
happening I got very very ill after I
had my babies because I think so much
stress came on me from stressing about
how bad of a parent I was gonna be even
though everybody was reassuring me that
I was being a perfect mom it still is
the man that I'm gonna be a bad parent
and so I ended up reaching out in
starting counseling so that I can learn
to be the person that I really wanted to
be my mother was incarcerated for 21
years of my
higher life she was in and out of gel
most of my younger life and spent 17
years in prison and just got out right
after my daughter was born within I
think she was six months and my mom had
gotten out from prison and we have a
very very rocky relationship because
again I don't want to get close to her
because I don't want to get hurt and
hurt still happens with her very often
she I don't you know I know that she
doesn't mentally or you know emotionally
think she's doing that but because I
know the mother that I am to my children
I look at her and I think how could a
mom treat her daughter the way that she
does sometimes but I have had to build
that barrier there to not allow myself
to step over that mother-daughter
relationship because it's just not there
so during this time I have finally
gotten into trauma therapy and it's
taken me back all the way back to
childhood trauma that happened to me as
a child and I've been slowly being able
to finally put pieces together and build
a beautiful path to be able to walk out
of that and not have to look back into
my past and during that time I have
always been fairly overweight I think
that I've used my weight a lot for
protection I've used my weight in hopes
that it would keep the bad guys away and
I've also used food as my comfort and as
my my best friend because food was the
one and only thing that never
disappeared from me besides when I lived
with my mom and when it was restricted
from me for punishment other than that I
always had an abundance amount of food
and so I used food for all of my
fillings and I was grown I was taught
that food is celebrating
is you know comfort when you're sad food
is you know your comfort when you're you
know stressed out or when you're angry
food has been used with me for every
type of emotion I carry and for that it
put me over 500 pounds I lost 80 pounds
about seven years ago and I turned
around and racked back up back to 498
pounds it was getting to the point where
I was having breathing problems they
thought that I was having a heart issue
my blood pressure was completely out of
completely out of whack I was having
heart palpitations where they were being
really erratic I could not hardly get
out of my chair I was pretty much chair
bound my legs my ankles were so swollen
that I could barely walk because as I
would walk my skin would crack and it
would bleed because there was just
nowhere more for any more fluid to come
into my legs and my and you would just
see you know like little pockets of
water that were blistered around my leg
and they would pop because there was
just so much fluid trying to access
itself out because my legs were honestly
ready to burst it got so bad that my my
poor feet I wish I had a picture I I did
for many years and I don't know where
that picture went otherwise I would
insert it and show you guys the top of
my foot I had a ball on the top of my
foot where you could just barely see my
toes because all this was swollen fluid
and the bottom was pretty much swollen
too so I almost would just walk rock as
I walked because I had gotten so big and
one day I woke up and I looked at Ollie
and I said today is the day that I'm
going to change my life
and you know my my husband he's so
amazing he has been so supportive and he
backs me up no matter how many times
I've said today is the day I'm gonna you
know I'm gonna do
today's the day it's gonna change Oh
tomorrow I'm starting fresh and new I'm
gonna do this we're gonna do this
tomorrow and I mean I've said this so
many times but sadly inside I had not
healed anything so I couldn't start
working on any other part of my body
because mentally and emotionally I was
so sick I couldn't find the strength to
even make it one day of wanting to be a
healthier person and it's so sad because
my heart wanted it so bad I wanted to
lose weight I wanted to sit on the floor
with my children and I wanted to be able
to go walks with my husband and hold his
hand I wanted to go into stores and go
grocery shopping and go to you know
clothing stores and just be able to go
and shop but all that stuff was being
ripped away from me one by one because
my weight was just going up and you ask
yourself sometimes what is food so
important to put you in a chair where
you can't even get up anymore it wasn't
even about that it was because I have
come from such a sad sad past that I
never dealt with and I never was
validated so because of that the
validation came for my food and that's
the way that I felt better and so one
day I woke up and I just said I want to
change my life I want to start a journey
and I want to share this with the world
I think that I can maybe help other
people out there that are suffering just
like me to know that you're not alone
and my husband stood right up and said
Amy I I think it's an amazing idea you
tell me what you want me to do in this
process you tell me I'm not gonna tell
you you tell me you're in control of
this ship you tell me what you want me
to do and I will be right there and I
said all I want you to do is be there to
hold my hand don't guide me don't don't
be behind me just hold my hand that's
all I want you to do and from that day
forward July 11 2008 teen was the day
that I changed my life and I
we'll never look back I will always
remember that day because that's the day
that I took my life and I changed it
forever and that is also the same day
that I decided to take the journey with
YouTube and bring my journey along to
all of you guys because like I said
before I know there is many people out
there that suffer from the same things
I've suffered with I know there's many
people out there that have endured abuse
have been diagnosed with binge eating
you know have parents that have Kompas
ibly committed suicide you know have
parents that are addiction you know have
addictions there's so many people out
there that have the same type of life
story and maybe they don't know where to
turn maybe they don't know what to do
but they want the change they want to be
a different person but they don't know
where to start
take your ship and turn it that's
exactly what I did and that's the day
that I changed my life and that's where
I am today I wake up every morning in
such a different aspect that I know what
I am doing is the right thing I know
what I am doing is only gonna make me
live longer for my kids for my husband
for you guys for it all because I don't
plan on ever stopping YouTube this is
something that I have dreamed about for
all my life I've always always always
wanted to just share my story I thought
about writing a book one day and then I
thought you know what I don't want to
write a book I want to be able to speak
for my heart I don't want people to read
my heart I want them to hear my heart
and the way that I can do that is just
the way I've chosen to do it and I think
it was the best decision I could have
ever done in my entire life because this
is what I wake up to every single
morning
somedays are lower than other days but
it's because you know life is life but
there isn't one day that goes by that I
don't have my channel my friends my
supporters my encouragers on my heart
because that's what's gotten me through
and so yeah that's kind of a little bit
about me and why I've decided to do
YouTube
you don't like I said there's multiple
videos down below that go more into deep
detail of more of the abuse that I've
went through and you know things like
that and I will try and find all those
videos and link them in the description
I'll do some things up here so that way
you guys can kind of click on and find
them but you know I just I I just want
people to know that I am normal just
like you guys I walked the same gravel
that you guys do we all have different
stories but we all walk the same ground
we breathe the same air it's just that
our stories are a little different but
nobody is alone we are all here together
and the day that my husband held my hand
is the day that I knew that I was in
control of my change and that was the
biggest thing all my life I've had
everybody think they needed to do
everything for me I always look to
everybody else to do everything to
control everything to tell me what to do
to tell me how to do it and it never
succeeded because it wasn't what I
wanted but when I woke up that morning I
knew what I wanted and this is what I
wanted and I have I haven't looked back
I haven't looked back and I won't look
back because there's no reason to look
back there's so much beautiful views
ahead of me that there's no reason to
look back so anyways that is my story
for tonight but I will be back on
tomorrow doing vlogs and let's see I
don't know exactly what all I've got to
do tomorrow I do have a few things that
I need to do tomorrow so I'll just take
you guys along with me but either way I
will check in with you guys tomorrow and
hopefully within the next few days life
will get a little bit better I'll be
able to start getting more energy and be
able to get up moving around because
like I said this next week is gonna be a
kick-butt weekend we
have to get some exercise in and you
guys are gonna do some exercising with
me so anyways I hope you guys enjoyed
today's vlog and I will check in with
you guys tomorrow bright and shiny in
the morning until then sweet dreams guys
bye bye
